


Movie Mocking--Eragon

by FrenchRoast



Category: Eragon (2006)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-09
Updated: 2014-06-09
Packaged: 2018-02-04 01:12:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1761519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrenchRoast/pseuds/FrenchRoast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Here is where I mock the movie Eragon. All meant in good fun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Movie Mocking--Eragon

Voiceover: I am Jeremy Irons, hear me roar. Oh, and this is a DARK tale of WOE and EVIL and EPIC DRAGON BATTLES that totally doesn't rip off Anne McCaffrey's entire Dragonriders of Pern series.  
  
Credits: *Are annoying in their cloudish pop-up ways*  
  
Voiceover: Oh, and there are Elves, too!  
  
Arwen Wannabe: *flees evil on her horse*  
  
Audience: What is this, pop up video? Why are there names popping up in random spots, followed by wisps of cloud/smoke, taking away from the EPIC VISUAL SCENERY?  
  
Voiceover: And dwarves! And some people who live in the mountains--rebels they are!  
  
Audience: Is he going to narrate for the whole movie?  
  
Eragon: I am the clumsiest hunter of all time! Look at me hop around in a cloak!  
  
Voiceover: There's Eragon! The hero of our story, in case you didn't know! And I'll narrate as long as I damn well please. Oh, and in case the freaky eyes and face paint and nasty teeth didn't clue you in, the guy on the screen now? Totally evil.   
  
Durza, Evil Sorcerer and Minion of the Highest Rank (AKA: Saruman/Voldemort rip-off/crossover): Give me that stone!  
  
Voiceover of the Obvious: And so the EVIL guy has trapped her!  
  
Arwen Wannabe: *surrounded by FIRE!* Hmm. Nope. *holds the stone up as Durza jumps into the firey clearing* Keep away! You can't reach it, you're too short! Hahahaha! *speaks Elvish*   
  
Stone: *pops into clearing just as Eragon is about to shoot a deer*  
  
Deer: Aaaaaaah! Falling stones and arrows! I should have taken the Bambi gig! *runs away*  
  
Eragon: Hmm. This stone is purty. I shall stop hunting and attempt to trade it to the butcher in town, who clearly doesn't like me. On the way there, we shall find out that the evil king is drafting good, stand-up guys to become part of his EVIL army. Also, they steal dead birds from the Voiceover guy.  
  
Butcher: Eragon, I don't like you. But I'll take the stone in exchange for, oh, half a pound of ground cow's eyes. But first, where did you find this lovely blue stone?  
  
Eragon: Well, it looked like any old part of the woods, but it was actually an area that was VERY BAD!  
  
Butcher: This stone must belong to our evil king, then! I won't take it. You can starve.   
  
Eragon: Damn. Well, I guess I should go home to my brother, who is actually my cousin, yet looks like my twin, so we can have a vaguely homoerotic battle involving rolling in hay. *does this* My, our house is remniscent of the Shire.  
  
Eragon's Uncle: Okay, enough. I have to show up and sort of look fatherly so you'll have a connection to me later, since the story writers couldn't be bothered to give me any more meaning. Hell, Uncle Owen spent more time onscreen with Luke than I'm spending with Eragon. Oh well.  
  
Eragon's Brother/Cousin/Twin: I'm leaving! Just so you can be all emo over me. Also, I don't want to be in the evil army. I didn't go to school, and according to John Kerry...well, I certainly don't want to get stuck in Iraq. Much better to make my way to Canada on foot.  
  
Eragon: *is emo over his lost lov--er, cousin/brother/twin*  
  
Stone: Heeeey, remember, the story's about me! *a baby dragon hatches out of the stone*  
  
Everyone and their mother: *realizes something happened to the stone*  
  
EVIL KING GALBATORIX: Number one, how overwrought is my name? Number two, we need better lighting in my evil lair; I mean, I am a king. I can afford a couple more halogen light bulbs, can't I? Number three, I'm going to talk in stunted language to tell you that I'm really not cool with the whole stone-hatching thing. What the hell am I going to use as a centerpiece for that Hannukah party I was planning? And then there's that whole thing with the rebel resistance having hope now. Make the boy one of us, or kill him.  
  
Durza: Should we really bother with making him one of us?  
  
EKG: Hmmm. Well, it sure as hell didn't work for Emperor Palpatine. You're right. Better just kill him.   
  
Meanwhile, Eragon is watching the dragon that has hatched...  
  
Eragon: Well, this is totally what I was expecting. Cool.   
  
Dragon: *is ADORABLE, and not in a mock-worthy sense, either. Very much like a kitten with wings and scales that eats rats whole*  
  
Eragon: Watch me make a witty comment about us not having to worry about rats anymore!  
  
*later, in the village*  
  
Brom: Oh, btw, soldiers? You guys suck. I could take any of you, any time. You know. If I wasn't as slobbering drunk as Inidigo Montoya when the giant finds him before they find Wesley in The Princess Bride.  
  
Soldiers: Oooh, we're scared.  
  
Eragon: Let him keep talking!   
  
Soldiers: *roll their eyes* If this was any other movie, we'd try to force you into the army at this point. But we're just going to let your insolent comments slide, because frankly...you're an idiot.  
  
The next day...  
  
Eragon: Fly, dragon!  
  
Dragon: *flies, and thanks to Miracle-Sun-Gro, and also a desperate attempt on the part of the screen writers to move the story forward, goes from being a dragon the size of my cat to a dragon the size of a T-Rex* Oh, btw, I can talk now. Call me Saphira.  
  
Eragon: Ooo, that was clever of you. Blue stone, blue dragon, Saphira. How long did it take you to come up with that?  
  
Dragon: You're the one who's too stupid to realize just how important I am, you know. You've got a bloody dragon in your backyard, and you're all "ooh, maybe I should chat up Brom to see if he knows anything."  
  
Eragon: Maybe I should. *does this*  
  
Brom: You're an idiot. No dragon would ever pick you. They're smarter than that.  
  
Razak (aka: Urukai crossed with Scarecrow hallucinations): *torture the butcher, though it doesn't take much* Where did you see that stone?!  
  
Butcher: This kid, Eragon. He had it.  
  
Razak: Thanks! *Butchers the butcher*  
  
Eragon: Oh man. I am so screwed. *runs home, is snatched up by his dragon*  
  
Saphira: Dude, you are way, way too stupid to be allowed to just run free.   
  
Eragon: I'm a man! A manly man who's scared of flying! Plus, they're going to kill my uncle while they look for me!  
  
Saphira: *rolls eyes* Of course they're going to. Don't you know your epic hero archetypes?  
  
Eragon's uncle: *dead*  
  
Eragon: *emos*  
  
Brom: Hmm. So they *were* after you...wait, crap. *You're* the new dragon rider? Gah. Dragons are stupider these days than they were in my day...well, we better get moving.  
  
Eragon: NEVER! I WILL DIE HERE WITH MY UNCLE! Or at least bury him first.  
  
Brom: *throws lighted match onto hay* Whoo! Fire! Purty!  
  
Eragon: YOU SICK PYRO! HOW DARE YOU!  
  
Brom: Oh, shut up and call your dragon already.  
  
Saphira: Lalala, I'm a pretty dragon.   
  
Brom: Let's ride!!!!!!!!  
  
Eragon: Whatever. *sulks*  
  
Cinematography: *EPICS* Loooooook! You haven't seen purty landscape like this since LotR! And I'm not, uh, stock photography leftover from LotR, either. Nope. Totally not.  
  
Brom: *makes a fire with MAGIC*  
  
Eragon: OMG, you're not a muggle!  
  
Brom: Huh?  
  
Eragon: Let's swordfight! I could take you!  
  
Brom: Okay, listen to me now. You. Are. An. Idiot. *beats the crap out of him* Oh, and here are some fun words to make magic with. Remember the one about seeing with your dragon's eyes, so you can overuse the hell out of it for the rest of the movie.  
  
*They reach a village with the same atmosphere as Lake Lachrymose in A Series of Unfortunate Events*  
  
Brom: You, go buy bread. I have to, uh, do something.  
  
Eragon: *goes to see a fortune-teller instead*  
  
Fortuneteller: Btw, neither of these bits of the movie are worth anything. Because the screenwriters kept this part instead of the part in the city, where Brom meets up with cool people, and where there is a talking cat. But hey, we get to see Murtag from a distance!   
  
Urgals and Razak: *ATTACK*  
  
Eragon: *uses magic he didn't know he had to kill them all*  
  
Durza: *gets very pissed off at his minions* Well, fine. I should've known better. If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. *uses Arwen-wannabe in a HP#5-esque ploy to trick Eragon into coming to save her*  
  
Eragon: Brom, I have to save the elf girl that I've suddenly got the hots for.  
  
Brom: You. Are. An. Idiot.  
  
Eragon: I'm going!  
  
Saphira: Maybe you should listen to Bro--  
  
Eragon: Shut up, what do you know, idiot dragon? You picked me, and I say let's go because I'm a total prick!  
  
*later, as they arrive near where she's being kept*  
  
Eragon: I shall sneak in, all Jedi-like. These aren't the droids you're looking for. *finds Arwen-wannabe*  
  
Arwen-Wannabe: You. Are. An. Idiot.   
  
Durza: Hey, all heroes can't be smart. *uses his Magneto powers to throw things at Eragon, who ducks, thanks to Brom throwing himself in front of Eragon* Damn. You ducked! I thought you were dumb! But looks like your old dude was dumber!  
  
Eragon: YOU KILLED BROM! OH THE ANGST! *shoots Durza* In your face! Whoo! Literally! Come on, elf-in-distress, let's escape. Oh, Saphiiiiira! Come fly us out of danger.  
  
Murtagh: I'll shoot the guards that are trying to prevent your getaway.  
  
Eragon: See, Brom? I inspire others!  
  
Brom: *dies*  
  
Eragon: *ANGSTS*  
  
Saphira: Will it make things better if I make his burial mound all Snow-White-y?  
  
Eragon: Maybe. A little.  
  
Saphira: *does this*  
  
A-W: Aaaaah. Now *I'm* dying!  
  
Eragon: Not the elf I so clearly lust after! How will I get to the Varden to save you!?  
  
A-W: *touches Eragon's forehead, a la Elfangor touching Tobias's head in Animorphs #1* Map! Pictures! Get me there!  
  
Murtagh: *shows up* Um, dude, you're an idiot. You're going to need some help.  
  
Eragon: Just to show how much I've learned over the course of this movie, I'm going to let you help me.   
  
Audience: Thank GOD.  
  
Murtagh: *saves Eragon's life one more time on the way to the Varden*  
  
Eragon: Thanks, dude.  
  
Murtagh: No problemo.  
  
Entrance to the Varden: *requires Eragon and the dark, much hotter Murtagh, to strip down a little bit and get wet*  
  
The Varden Leader, who, to the shock of everyone in the movie for some reason, is black: That's right. Martin Luther King Jr. would be proud. Nevermind that I and my daughter are like the only black people in the whole Varden population. Also, I don't trust Murtagh, because he's the son of that evil guy Brom killed.  
  
Murtagh: But I'm not my father! And remember, I was Patroclus in Troy! I was good! Patroclus totally rocked that movie out!  
  
VL: You've got dark hair and an dark sort of demeanor. And we know what that must make you: evil.   
  
Murtagh: ...you're kidding. *is carried away to go to jail* I thought we were past that whole black is evil, white is good dichotomy!   
  
Eragon: That's what you get for being hotter than me. And actually being able to act.   
  
And then, there is an IMMINENT EPIC BATTLE, complete with armor for Eragon and Saphira! And a scary, not-very-gratuitous shirtless scene for Eragon.   
  
Audience: Goddamnit, why didn't Murtagh get a shirtless scene?  
  
And then there is a lot of EPIC flying, and EPIC battling, and EPIC flame-throwing, and Murtagh proves he really is for the good side, and Eragon wins, though both he and Saphira nearly die, and the movie ends. Except, no, it doesn't. First, Eragon has to go pay A-W a visit as she's running post-haste to go get elven allies (and dwarf allies, and all their other allies that were *supposed* to be there for the EPIC BATTLE), and they look at each other awkwardly and talk like they might kiss, only they don't, and the movie ends. Except, no, it doesn't. EVIL KING GALBATORIX has to show how angry and evil he is, and also, have his dragon growl menacingly. And then the movie ends.  
  
And then, everyone who read the book cries because as so-so as the book was, the movie was so, so much worse.


End file.
